5/30/09

A REQUEST

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This is a big source of friction between a man and a woman, because of a basic gender-difference in attitude and language.

A request is not a command because it gives the recipient an "easy out."
If there is no easy out, it is forcing someone-- backing them into a corner.

The gender-difference is this:
A woman hates to say she "will not" do something for someone. It goes against the grain.
She is perfectly OK with saying she "can not" do something. It's an easy-out for her.
A man hates to say he "can not" do something, anything. It goes against the grain
He is perfectly OK with saying he "will not" do something. It's an easy-out for him.

So, for a woman to make a polite request, she must say, "Can you...."
If she says, "Will you...." that's impolite, allowing no way out.
If the man says "Yes" to "Can you," she assumes that means he will do it.
She doesn't understand that he's just answering the ability part,
but the question of whether he will do it or not has not been addressed.
Then, if he doesn't do it, she feels he has broken a promise.
He feels it's a command, and resents it, and he hasn't promised anything.

So, your part in this is to understand:
When she says "Can you..." she really means "Will you..."
and answer accordingly:
It's OK to say "No" -- but, if you say "Yes," it's a commitment.
Now, is that so hard?
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