Coming back

I haven't put anything here for a long time, but I will be adding new stuff soon.

BASIC COMMUNICATION

This is the MOST IMPORTANT thing to do, and, apparently, the most difficult.
It will be given in 4 lessons, because, each is a learning experience in itself.

LESSON ONE -- LISTENING -- The rules.

1. Shut up.
2. Keep quiet.
3. Don't talk.
4. Don't even THINK about speaking.

Practice this until you can do it. Keep trying.
If you care enough, it will happen.
If you care enough, you can do it.
Only when you can follow these rules can you go on to Lesson 2.

LESSON TWO -- SPEAKING -- The rules.

1. Speak only when you are sure of what to say
2. Speak very briefly, one sentence, then go back to Listening.

Now, I suppose you see the faults in this. First, if you don't even think about speaking, how can you "be sure of what to say?" And second, if you do have a chance to think about it, how would you "be sure of what to say?"

LESSON THREE -- THINKING -- The rules.

1. Do your thinking outside the dialog -- when you're alone.
2. Learn about the different replies for the different situations.
. . the next posts will show you.

LESSON FOUR -- HEARING -- The rules.

1. Look at the woman (without speaking)
2. Listen to the words (without speaking)
3. Try to comprehend what is being said (without thinking of speaking)

So, why is this lesson 4 instead of lesson 2? It should be Lesson 2, but, because men find it so difficult to hear what women say, I wanted to put in lesson 2 & 3 first, so you can see WHY you need to HEAR.

You have to first HEAR what was said before you can be sure of what to say so you can speak. The correct responses are based on what the woman is saying. If you don't hear what's being said, you can't have the proper response. For example:
she: I'll be going to a meeting of my book club tonight.
he: Oh, jeese, honey. That's terrible, I'm so sorry it happened. Is there anything I can do?
---His response is a good one, but not for this situation. He didn't HEAR.

So, the actual, correct order is:
1. Thinking -- study the effective responses (in the following posts)
2. Listening -- without thinking of response.
3. Hearing -- understanding what she's saying.
4. Speaking -- say the "right" thing, and make it short.

That's it. That's the 4 lessons. How hard can it be??
Most of the rest of this blog will be about the Thinking part -- what are the effective responses?
.

COMMUNICATIONS CATEGORIZED

.
Communications fall into various categories. The responses will be different for each category.
.
Categories:

1. Complaint -- I broke a nail. I totaled my car. My boss is a jerk.
2. Criticism -- You're late. You didn't take out the trash. You never listen.
3. Asking advice -- I need to ___, what do you think?
4. Chatting -- There's a sale on at ___.
5. Story -- When I was in school we___. I remember when ___.
6. Suggestion -- Why don't we ___? It would be better if you ____.
7. Request -- Can you put a shelf here? Can you take that box to the thrift store?
8. Reporting -- Your son has been arrested. I've joined a book club.
9. Discussion -- Where should we go for dinner? What will we do next vacation?
10. "Feelings" -- There will be a chapter about this.
    

Please suggest more categories in the comments, & I'll put them in.

COMPLAINT vs CRITICISM

1. COMPLAINT vs. 2. CRITICISM -- this is the most important.
If you can understand the difference between these 2,

you will be waaaay ahead of the game.

Not understanding the difference is what leads to most real fighting.
The other categories are all pretty self-explanatory. These are the trouble-makers.

Are you willing to pay the price for a peaceful and loving relationship?

If so, here's how to do it in 4 easy-4-u-2-say steps.
If you hear a complaint or a criticism, at first you won't know which it is, so you
(1) restrain your impulse to avoid blame (see "background" below)
(2) offer sympathy -- good immediate response to either
(3) determine if it is criticism (is it really all about you?) or complaint.
(4) give the proper response.

The response to a complaint is VERY different from a response to a criticism.
Response to complaint --> sympathy.

No advice, no suggestions, just sympathy.

And especially, no "not my fault"s.

The words to use are variations on:
"That's terrible. How awful. How rotten for you. I feel for you."

And don't belittle or diminish it. Never say, "it's no big deal" or "it doesn't matter."
If you exaggerate its importance, you may make her laugh. If you minimize it, she will be hurt.
(See the "Feelings" post.)

Explanation: If you respond with reasons why it's not your fault, she will think you're telling her it's all her own fault and she deserves no sympathy from you.
If you respond with advice or suggestions, she will think you're saying she's too dumb to cope and you know better than she does what she should do.
If you minimize it, she will think you don't care about her and what hurts her.

The response to a criticism --> apology. Unless you really enjoy being harangued and nagged, just apologize a'reddy! Apologize first, then briefly state your excuse and apologize again.

If she continues to criticize, never repeat your excuse. Don't worry -- she heard it.
If it's legit (in her eyes), she might still make the criticism again, so just apologize again.
If it's not legit (in her eyes), repeating it will just make her madder.
If you know it's not legit, just say "I have no excuse." That will disarm her better than anything else.
Then, if action is called for, do it (take out the trash, tell her you love her, pick up your newspapers) immediately. Not later, now.
It may go against the grain, but it's the price to pay for a peaceful and loving relationship.

Background: Unfortunately, most guys think that complaint = criticism.

This is just NOT SO.

If a woman is complaining about something, it is NOT a criticism.
If a woman is criticizing you, she will say so.
If she does NOT say so, it's not a criticism. So don't apologize.

I know, when your woman makes either a complaint or a criticism (same thing to you), you go into to "excuse yourself from blame" mode. Excuses start pouring from your mouth automatically. It's a guy thing. That's what happens. You may not even realize you're doing it -- it's reflex.
So, refraining from doing it is difficult. It requires a conscious effort, and practice.
Same goes for knee-jerk apologizing. Don't apologize to a complaint. Don't apologize unless you're sure it's a criticism.

The good news is that you will finally realize that she has not been criticizing you all these years, just generally complaining. She doesn't blame you. Usually she blames herself. That's why she needs sympathy.
.

ASKING ADVICE

.
In the immortal words of Henry Higgins:

. She will beg you for advice,
. Your reply will be concise,
. And she'll listen very nicely,
. Then go out and do precisely
. What she wants. . (My Fair Lady)

So, be prepared. She does value your opinion, and does not override it lightly. If she goes against it, it's usually because there were other considerations that were not included in your discussion. Just don't be bothered by it.
.

A REQUEST

.
This is a big source of friction between a man and a woman, because of a basic gender-difference in attitude and language.

A request is not a command because it gives the recipient an "easy out."
If there is no easy out, it is forcing someone-- backing them into a corner.

The gender-difference is this:
A woman hates to say she "will not" do something for someone. It goes against the grain.
She is perfectly OK with saying she "can not" do something. It's an easy-out for her.
A man hates to say he "can not" do something, anything. It goes against the grain
He is perfectly OK with saying he "will not" do something. It's an easy-out for him.

So, for a woman to make a polite request, she must say, "Can you...."
If she says, "Will you...." that's impolite, allowing no way out.
If the man says "Yes" to "Can you," she assumes that means he will do it.
She doesn't understand that he's just answering the ability part,
but the question of whether he will do it or not has not been addressed.
Then, if he doesn't do it, she feels he has broken a promise.
He feels it's a command, and resents it, and he hasn't promised anything.

So, your part in this is to understand:
When she says "Can you..." she really means "Will you..."
and answer accordingly:
It's OK to say "No" -- but, if you say "Yes," it's a commitment.
Now, is that so hard?
.